a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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