just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
