no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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