so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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