Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
