I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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