I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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