Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
