my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
