he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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