i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
