i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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