The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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