Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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