I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
