Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Bring me that man meat
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
