I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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