The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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