Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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