finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
