Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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