so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
