Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
