I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
