I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
