On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
