Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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