i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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