____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
