All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
