My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
