Where is the hickey?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
