I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
