Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
4 words: hood of his car
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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