sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
