I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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