we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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