I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
