I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
