I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
