Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
