And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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