It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
