Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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