She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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