were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
