Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
