he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
