I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
