I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
